shame and glory

well hello there. 

polite smile, and furtive glance.

re-reading old posts leaves me embarrassed, shocked and a little angry at myself.

what was i thinking, pouring excited, wannabe/think-I-am mature thoughts all over the web. tortured-fleeting-ideas-and-epiphanies. who-am-I-even-talking-to-except-myself. conceited, really.

what were my friends thinking? someone should have called me out on the incomprehensible mumbo-jumbo.

yes yes I know we are harder on ourselves than other people are. but really we're not.

today i am thankful that Jesus died in the muddy pit where i have merely calculated the judgments others may cast, the image, i may have projected and the reassurance i may obtain through the manipulation of re-evaluation.

today i sit looking back amazed at the mighty work He has done while i haven't been online (or onblog, please forgive the pun-ttempt)

a work of silence that i thought i controlled, because of the to-do lists that controlled me. a work of shifting perspectives. how is He going to, how He is using this very moment.

i rarely review the notes i write on fancy little kate spade notebooks.  it is easy to not reassess how misguided, immature and weak one's brain-one's faith : was-is. but i did re-read previous posts out of concern for an image. and He used it to show me that He has been at work.

should a potentially conceited public display of random thoughts continue on the transparent pages of the web, i will likely re-read in a few months-or tomorrow- and realize the immaturity of the now, that i am presently celebrating.

dead flesh wants to despair and lament that i will never be a complete work, an intellectual adult, a successful communicator et j'en passe...
new creation celebrates the Glory. the overwhelming Glory of One who is complete. for me. One who defeated the abyss and meets me in the muddy pit. who loves to refine and change.while i am busy kicking and fighting and neatly tying a blindfold around my head and my heart, the One who opens my eyes to what matters, to Him who matters.

months have passed and things have happened and i haven't kept up and guilt has crept in. where have i been? where have you been? have i arrived yet?can you change that too? i've done so well. when is my turn?

He has made me rely.
He has made me follow
He has used the wilderness and answered prayers and not answered others.
He has given gifts.
He has met me where i have questioned the number and quality of gifts, even the design of the wrapping paper.
He is meeting me where i know i need to grow, He is pulling me where i didn't know that i needed to grow.
He has molded, changed priorities, landscapes and foundations.

He uses my embarrassment for His glory.