you know how it is when you look forward to
something? you know how sitting on that plane to Haiti, instead of being anxious you're comfortable and
excited at the same time because you know what to expect? and it gets even better because you have a measure to compare your happiness to, the paralyzing anxiety from last time. you are not feeling the sleep depravation from a 3am awakening, that you despised and obsessed on the unfairness of last time.
you know how there is a small part of you that is worried that the first amazing time was a fluke and you might get disappointed this time?
you know how you tell yourself in the midst of it that it was a mistake to come back, that this time is not working, not at all, that you miss your friends from last time. you know how you get tangled in tired and angry-and hungry!- details five minutes before dinner...
you know how you come back and you tell yourself that this was amazing, and suddenly it hits you that it was so different from last time, so different from what you had imagined, so far removed from anything you are able to imagine.
you want to say it was better but you know better, you know it was incomparable.
we trust our memory, our plans, the friends-or just the people we know, even our imagination, but fail to believe that God can do different and do it well. we fail to trust that it could be good. We fail to trust that He is good.
God changes your heart. for a long time, even after I realized Jesus was Lord over my life, i didn't know where to start. i knew that i needed to start. i wanted him to be lord but i didn't know how to change how I felt and what i wanted. I still didn't want Him. i didn't know how to love God and and how to obey Him.
it (or He) clicked one day in an warm, humid, loud and non-ventilated hotel room in Haiti. a woman i barely knew was speaking of her story and her life. and the joy and trust with which she opened her heart to women she barely knew was God talking into my heart. that evening, my over-educated, over-analyzing mind learnt the simple concept of "asking God to change my heart"
He had changed my heart already and i didn't know it, but He was also empowering me. He taught me that i did not need to carry the burden of change alone. the strength of the how-to how comes from Him.
its not about knowing how-to, it's about trusting He does. ok I had a really lame pun instead of this one but i will spare you. reallyyy? you want to hear it? how niiiiice. and brave. it went something like trusting how-He; or Who-He I hadn't decided. sorry. i've only had one coffee so far so bear with me.
God can change my heart without me asking Him. He can change the world without my help but the offer of participation he extends to me is an invitation to witness and be a part of His glory.
when i want something, i still stand on the ledge, but His Spirit empowers me to not block off the images that the Spirit reveals.
images of fleeting joys followed by pain, images of my wants satisfied by letting go of Jesus' hand, images of death waiting in the precipice. it is terrifying to let go of Jesus’ hand. and i do it every single day to reach for a stupid shiny thing. sometimes i imagine the sarcastic look on his face when He extends His hand again to take mine, like my dad did. but it's probably not theologically accurate. i mean Jesus is funny don't get me wrong, and in my world funny=sarcastic. but i don't think that would be His time for sarcasm. i think He takes our hands over and over and over and over again with a beaming smile because we came back. i think the sarcastic smile is the one of shame i give myself. but his forgiving embrace stomps over my sarcastic smile of shame.
He makes me listen to His will. just as a faint whisper in the midst of the beating of the drum of my desires. but He makes me listen. i yearn for the day where no sinful desires are exhausting my heart. i crave and dread the refining fire He will carry me through because i know i will emerge on the other side of the embers closer to Him.
even as i wrote these words, i am praying to get the job i want and the boy i like, and the money to buy all the purses that i think i need, to fit the bohemian style that i let myself believe defines me.
i' scared to move and loose the friends i made in KC and never go to Haiti again and loose sight of God. I am failing to believe that He is in every city, on every plane and in the heart of new friends that i have not met yet. .
i am letting go of his hand and failing to believe that if His plans are different than mine, if this second time moving does not look like the first time ( for the sake of honesty insert here: the first time when i was paralyzed with anxiety-and anger-because i was moving to KC and then it turned out to be-well a gift from Him), if the other city doesn't look like this one, God can do different and do it well. and He will do different because He is fighting for me and providing for me. also you think i came up with this Haiti to moving parallel on my own? hey i was just typing blue fleeting thoughts and minding my own business and He showed up and showed me.
but the minuscule and yet so encouraging change is that He has tuned my heart to listen to His voice, listen to the shout telling me to slow down, to talk to Him about the things and the stuff and the cities and the boy and to sit down and trust Him. sit down and trust Him to go get what i need. He will bring what will be a gift of sustenance and not destruction. Sustenance in Him.
what Haiti and moving from KC have in common? God led me to both and God is in control of all the next times.
you know how there is a small part of you that is worried that the first amazing time was a fluke and you might get disappointed this time?
you know how you tell yourself in the midst of it that it was a mistake to come back, that this time is not working, not at all, that you miss your friends from last time. you know how you get tangled in tired and angry-and hungry!- details five minutes before dinner...
you know how you come back and you tell yourself that this was amazing, and suddenly it hits you that it was so different from last time, so different from what you had imagined, so far removed from anything you are able to imagine.
you want to say it was better but you know better, you know it was incomparable.
we trust our memory, our plans, the friends-or just the people we know, even our imagination, but fail to believe that God can do different and do it well. we fail to trust that it could be good. We fail to trust that He is good.
God changes your heart. for a long time, even after I realized Jesus was Lord over my life, i didn't know where to start. i knew that i needed to start. i wanted him to be lord but i didn't know how to change how I felt and what i wanted. I still didn't want Him. i didn't know how to love God and and how to obey Him.
it (or He) clicked one day in an warm, humid, loud and non-ventilated hotel room in Haiti. a woman i barely knew was speaking of her story and her life. and the joy and trust with which she opened her heart to women she barely knew was God talking into my heart. that evening, my over-educated, over-analyzing mind learnt the simple concept of "asking God to change my heart"
He had changed my heart already and i didn't know it, but He was also empowering me. He taught me that i did not need to carry the burden of change alone. the strength of the how-to how comes from Him.
its not about knowing how-to, it's about trusting He does. ok I had a really lame pun instead of this one but i will spare you. reallyyy? you want to hear it? how niiiiice. and brave. it went something like trusting how-He; or Who-He I hadn't decided. sorry. i've only had one coffee so far so bear with me.
God can change my heart without me asking Him. He can change the world without my help but the offer of participation he extends to me is an invitation to witness and be a part of His glory.
when i want something, i still stand on the ledge, but His Spirit empowers me to not block off the images that the Spirit reveals.
images of fleeting joys followed by pain, images of my wants satisfied by letting go of Jesus' hand, images of death waiting in the precipice. it is terrifying to let go of Jesus’ hand. and i do it every single day to reach for a stupid shiny thing. sometimes i imagine the sarcastic look on his face when He extends His hand again to take mine, like my dad did. but it's probably not theologically accurate. i mean Jesus is funny don't get me wrong, and in my world funny=sarcastic. but i don't think that would be His time for sarcasm. i think He takes our hands over and over and over and over again with a beaming smile because we came back. i think the sarcastic smile is the one of shame i give myself. but his forgiving embrace stomps over my sarcastic smile of shame.
He makes me listen to His will. just as a faint whisper in the midst of the beating of the drum of my desires. but He makes me listen. i yearn for the day where no sinful desires are exhausting my heart. i crave and dread the refining fire He will carry me through because i know i will emerge on the other side of the embers closer to Him.
even as i wrote these words, i am praying to get the job i want and the boy i like, and the money to buy all the purses that i think i need, to fit the bohemian style that i let myself believe defines me.
i' scared to move and loose the friends i made in KC and never go to Haiti again and loose sight of God. I am failing to believe that He is in every city, on every plane and in the heart of new friends that i have not met yet. .
i am letting go of his hand and failing to believe that if His plans are different than mine, if this second time moving does not look like the first time ( for the sake of honesty insert here: the first time when i was paralyzed with anxiety-and anger-because i was moving to KC and then it turned out to be-well a gift from Him), if the other city doesn't look like this one, God can do different and do it well. and He will do different because He is fighting for me and providing for me. also you think i came up with this Haiti to moving parallel on my own? hey i was just typing blue fleeting thoughts and minding my own business and He showed up and showed me.
but the minuscule and yet so encouraging change is that He has tuned my heart to listen to His voice, listen to the shout telling me to slow down, to talk to Him about the things and the stuff and the cities and the boy and to sit down and trust Him. sit down and trust Him to go get what i need. He will bring what will be a gift of sustenance and not destruction. Sustenance in Him.
what Haiti and moving from KC have in common? God led me to both and God is in control of all the next times.
LOVE! So much truth and so much honesty :)
ReplyDelete